Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
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DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Sponch
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.