Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
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Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
mumsnet is amazing
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”