When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
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Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
a fate I wish upon no one
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Put the is in disheveled
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones