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I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings