The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
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What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
The internet is full of many things
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.