“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
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A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Did my cat write this
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor