To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
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TODAY
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
me when i see my girls butt
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
I have obtained a hat
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.