My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
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I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes