Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
You Might Also Like
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed