Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
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If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
181.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.