Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
You Might Also Like
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors