Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
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Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.