ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
You Might Also Like
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.