The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
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MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
(Electricians.)
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.