Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
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I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.