My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
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how long have you had this for?
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it