Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
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therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
WWE is French for “yes”
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life