honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
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Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Pat is about to own someone
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.