Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
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DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
How to find Kentucky on a map
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.