I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
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Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?