News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
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I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY