The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
You Might Also Like
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.