Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
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Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
dutch is not a serious language
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.