People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
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*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.