If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.

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People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up


*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear


I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.


Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.


I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.


Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity


I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li


Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store

Cashier: …why are you telling me this?


5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.


In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.