If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
You Might Also Like
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her