I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
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lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Happens to everyone.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
God has abandoned us.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?