Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
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“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.