HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
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That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
President The Rock Obama
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine