I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
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self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.