I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
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[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
My whole life was a lie.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.