When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
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Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.