As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
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Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!