Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
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My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
Wait for it
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
Spa day..😅
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.