People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
You Might Also Like
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
“We will wed,” I threatened
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.