My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
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*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.