I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
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This will never not be funny to me.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
I’m aging like a fine banana
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.