[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
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Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.