I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
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Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
#parenting
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”