It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
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Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal