Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
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911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
the noise i just made
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.