[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
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PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
back to work
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic