Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
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Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
How wrong was this guy?
#oldknees
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
The best shot in the history of golf
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?