They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
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Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.