Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
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my favorite genre of twitter
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
I get distracted pretty eas
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*