me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
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ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.