I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
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My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
True freaking story!
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*