Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
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ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college