Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
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[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.