I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
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My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.