me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
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ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings