The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
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ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.